Today I am talking on the behalf of the ones who have no voice. I strongly believe that their stories must be heard. I will tell a story of a woman who, as she herself said, “Dedicates her story to those who understand it.” I will call her Karolina, because she does not want her name to be shared.
When my conversation with Karolina, who is 23 y.o., started, I immediately realized that her words have to be written down and passed on to the people who need it. Other sufferers need to know that they are not alone in their experiences. Furthermore, they need to know that it is possible to keep fighting and searching for the reasons not to give up. My interlocutor told me that she never considered herself weak; she was never feeling as if she lacked something. She told me about the amazing childhood of hers, told me that she was loved as a child. She remembered being enthusiastic about her life and her future. In spite of that, her dreams soon collapsed. Karolina claimed that she went through things that she would not wish for anyone. She had to go through much more complex, painful situations than the vast majority of the people. May her story remain in our hearts as a lesson that we must keep going through the severity of life without hesitating.
Karolina had been sexually assaulted a bunch of times as a young child, the assault did not stop for 7 years. Because of that, she completely lost her sense of self-love, became self-conscious. Karolina became feeling dull, unenthusiastic at all times. As she said, she was simply feeling scared, she felt dirty, like a waste of space.
Anorexia was the first consequence of her abuse. She was feeling dissatisfied with her own self and started to starve herself. She started categorizing her life in centimeters, calories and kilograms. At first, people would complement her on her appearance, which made her more confident. She finally started to feel as if she is worth something. The complements were encouraging so she kept on losing her weight. After some time Karolina started to hear comments about her looking like a skeleton. People started to judge her.
That led the woman to depression. She now regrets being mean and acting unpredictably towards her loving parents. Karolina talked about the couple remaining things that she remembers from those years, one of which was going to a school celebration and not being able to think about anything else but about the food she will not let herself eat. She ended up eating an enormous amount of it and forcing herself to vomit it all out.
Another traumatic experience – bulimia – got its way to Karolina’s life. After the mentioned event, she was taken to a mental hospital for the first time in her life. It happened against her will, the woman refused to accept the fact that she was severely ill. The person who was always the closest to her- Karolina’s mother, took her to a hospital. Karolina agreed to come in order to stop hurting her mother. She was listening to her doctors and doing everything they told her to do. The woman came back much stronger and healthier than she was before. After a big amount of stress caused by upcoming exams, after moving to a different city, she went to a hospital once again. This time, she did it with her free will. Karolina’s old issues started coming back; once again, she started to become blind when looking at the beauty of life.
Her treatment is still in progress. She is still on antidepressants; she is healing from her eating disorders as well as trying to forget the traumatizing events from her past. Karolina visits a therapist periodically; she now claims that her therapist is one of the most important people in her life. Karolina is a fighter: she fights for the well-being of her mother, fights for her own goals. Karolina shared a single piece of advice with me “Do not give up. I had so many difficult moments in my life but when you think that it is all over, that you cannot suffer anymore, the best reason to keep going is to remember the people that you care about the most. Think about how much you do not want them to endure. You do not want to see your mom crying of begging you to eat something. Think about your own goals as well. Think about how much you want yourself to succeed. I am, as my therapist says,- a fighter. I am strong for not being scared to call for help when I need it. I really regret the fact that I was hiding my sexual abuse story from my mother for so long- I only told her that last winter. I now realize that the silence was tearing me apart. It is better to speak up than to wait for someone to notice your wounds. That makes the healing process much shorter.”
When my conversation with Karolina, who is 23 y.o., started, I immediately realized that her words have to be written down and passed on to the people who need it. Other sufferers need to know that they are not alone in their experiences. Furthermore, they need to know that it is possible to keep fighting and searching for the reasons not to give up. My interlocutor told me that she never considered herself weak; she was never feeling as if she lacked something. She told me about the amazing childhood of hers, told me that she was loved as a child. She remembered being enthusiastic about her life and her future. In spite of that, her dreams soon collapsed. Karolina claimed that she went through things that she would not wish for anyone. She had to go through much more complex, painful situations than the vast majority of the people. May her story remain in our hearts as a lesson that we must keep going through the severity of life without hesitating.
Karolina had been sexually assaulted a bunch of times as a young child, the assault did not stop for 7 years. Because of that, she completely lost her sense of self-love, became self-conscious. Karolina became feeling dull, unenthusiastic at all times. As she said, she was simply feeling scared, she felt dirty, like a waste of space.
Anorexia was the first consequence of her abuse. She was feeling dissatisfied with her own self and started to starve herself. She started categorizing her life in centimeters, calories and kilograms. At first, people would complement her on her appearance, which made her more confident. She finally started to feel as if she is worth something. The complements were encouraging so she kept on losing her weight. After some time Karolina started to hear comments about her looking like a skeleton. People started to judge her.
That led the woman to depression. She now regrets being mean and acting unpredictably towards her loving parents. Karolina talked about the couple remaining things that she remembers from those years, one of which was going to a school celebration and not being able to think about anything else but about the food she will not let herself eat. She ended up eating an enormous amount of it and forcing herself to vomit it all out.
Another traumatic experience – bulimia – got its way to Karolina’s life. After the mentioned event, she was taken to a mental hospital for the first time in her life. It happened against her will, the woman refused to accept the fact that she was severely ill. The person who was always the closest to her- Karolina’s mother, took her to a hospital. Karolina agreed to come in order to stop hurting her mother. She was listening to her doctors and doing everything they told her to do. The woman came back much stronger and healthier than she was before. After a big amount of stress caused by upcoming exams, after moving to a different city, she went to a hospital once again. This time, she did it with her free will. Karolina’s old issues started coming back; once again, she started to become blind when looking at the beauty of life.
Her treatment is still in progress. She is still on antidepressants; she is healing from her eating disorders as well as trying to forget the traumatizing events from her past. Karolina visits a therapist periodically; she now claims that her therapist is one of the most important people in her life. Karolina is a fighter: she fights for the well-being of her mother, fights for her own goals. Karolina shared a single piece of advice with me “Do not give up. I had so many difficult moments in my life but when you think that it is all over, that you cannot suffer anymore, the best reason to keep going is to remember the people that you care about the most. Think about how much you do not want them to endure. You do not want to see your mom crying of begging you to eat something. Think about your own goals as well. Think about how much you want yourself to succeed. I am, as my therapist says,- a fighter. I am strong for not being scared to call for help when I need it. I really regret the fact that I was hiding my sexual abuse story from my mother for so long- I only told her that last winter. I now realize that the silence was tearing me apart. It is better to speak up than to wait for someone to notice your wounds. That makes the healing process much shorter.”